Why Are Men Idiots?

I got a notification that someone messaged me on OkCupid. So I logged on and the message was this: 

>Subject: hi

>are you currently looking for a boyfriend?

First of all, I'm on OkCupid dumbass. At the very least I'm looking for SOMETHING.

So I look at his profile and this is what it says:

> I am currently looking for a girlfriend. I would prefer a white woman between the ages of 18-35 years old. I would perfer her to believe in Jesus Christ as her savior. I would perfer her to be a Christian. Either a virgin or sexual experienced, but I would prefer a virgin because I am virgin. I am currently empolyed and my job is dealing with driving a folkfilt for ResourceMFG which has a contract with Moen. She can American Indian, Latin/Hispanic, Middle Eastern, or Asian or Black or Mixed. I would prefer her to White.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm an out-of-the-closet atheist. I'm proud of it. So to be respectful, my response was simply: 

> No, thank you.

He shoots back with:

> k. would you like to date me or hang out with me in the future?

Um, I don't even know who you are and so far it's not lookin' like we'd be really compatible. There were lots of other things on his profile that made me cringe. So I respond with:

> I am an atheist and am not interested in pursuing a relationship with a religious person, so no thank you.

Then I get this:

> k. can we just have sex?

That's a beautiful man of god, right there.

So I said:

> Hell no.

And blocked him.

This actually happened.

This is my life.

Today sucks.

Good Vibrations

Dear Bri:

God this is soooo embarassing.... 
 

So you know my... "situation" - very suddenly and unexpectedly single after 20 years in a committed relationship.  Due to bitterness from the "very suddenly and unexpectedly" part, I'm not even remotely interested in finding someone to help out with my.... needs.  The obvious solution is to take care of myself.  Well, the fapping hand is going to get carpal tunnel if I keep this up, so it's time to bring in the heavy machinery.  But here's the problem - how the hell does a girl go about choosing a vibrator??

I go to the websites and look, but all I get is intimidated!  Clit butterflies, g-spot rotators, three-way (i.e., with anal) vibrators, some with thrust, multi-speeds, remotes and hand-helds.... too many choices!  And then there's how these things look... and what they're named. 

Now I consider myself a good little hoOr, but I've also never been with ANYONE except my soon-to-be ex.  So I truly have no idea what I "need."  I had a dick (in more ways than one, that's for sure), and it occasionally got the job done, but certainly never a g-spot or anything more than a shallow orgasm.  I know that fapping the clit works, but that it's not totally satisfying either. 

So for a near vibrator-virgin (I had a plain, no frills wand that we used together - needless to say that went into the trash pronto) - how do I choose?  What do I choose?  Do I choose an all-in-one, or several different models?  Throw in the fact that money is also a concern, and I should probably just set my phone to vibrate and ask all my friends to call me on re-dial.  With all these new Isle Esme and Breaking Dawn set pictures popping up, this girl needs some relief.  Can you help me, Bri?

A

Now ladies, you know how I feel about this stuff being an embarrassment. It's not. Not even a little bit. There is NO SUCH THING as TMI. Maybe I'm just desensitized to this stuff or maybe I'm just a ho. Either way, it's all good ;o)

So, my dear girl, since I've posted on this very topic before, I'm going to use this post as more of an opinion piece in order to work out the details and hopefully resolve your problems!

The first thing you should think about in buying a vibrator is what worked for you during your sexual escapades in the past. If you came harder from g-spot stimulation and you want to experience that again, then that narrows down the types of vibrators you are going to want to invest in. Now since you said that the clit orgasm wasn't quite doing it for you, I'd say focus on the g-spot vibrators initially. We'll get more advanced in a bit ;o)

You are probably going to want to keep it simple. I know you threw away the wand but I'm not sure which kind it was.

If it was something like this:

then good god woman, buy another one!! This is my go-to tool for a good g-spot orgasm. It's called an Orchid and you can get it on Toys in Babeland. I'm gettin' kinda randy just looking at it. A little bit of lube on the bulb, a little bit of relaxation, and just the right amount of pressure on that little patch of spongy goodness and you will be seeing stars. And at $22.00 you can't really beat it. There are tons of more expensive g-spot vibes out there, but why spend $100 for something because it's beautiful and sparkly and whatnot when you can spend $22 on something waterproof that gets the job DONE. 

If you insist on trying out a Rabbit because of all the hype, here's a cheaper alternative for you to try out:

I, personally, think it was sensationalized by the exposure it got from its stint on Sex and the City and I didn't think it was really all that. But if you want to try, at least you have something that's not going to cost the equivalent of a month's phone bill!

Now...that bit of MORE that I was talking about? I recommend using both hands but have one working the Orchid and the other working this little magical beauty:

This is the silver bullet. This in combination with the Orchid will make you sing opera so make sure the kiddies are out of the house and maybe have a glass of wine. Keep in mind that you can buy a silver bullet on Amazon for significantly less than the Babeland site. Here are a few examples: 1 - 2 - 3.

One of the main reasons I'm going to tell you NOT to spend too much money on the bullet is that if you use it frequently...and I do, teehee...then you are going to find that the wires are not the sturdiest of things. Within a month or two, they start to disconnect inside the internal casing and then the power blinks on and off.

Let me repeat. The power blinks on and off. So that means that you could be SECONDS from that big O and *poof* gone because the stupid wire disconnected and you are left going "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

So a) don't buy expensive and b) buy in bulk. Or at least in pairs so you always have a spare.

If you ARE going to break out the big guns for a clit vibrator to go with your Orchid, then buy something REALLY well made like this Form 6 by JimmyJane:

It's an investment, that's for sure, but it's so well made that you won't have to buy in pairs and you won't have to keep on buying them.

Ok one last tip that's purely a bonus: 

Rechargeable batteries. Better investment than my masters degree. Just sayin'.

SO! I hope that helps and if you have any more questions, PLEASE just Ask Bri! <3

Down to where? Down to there.

Hair.

Men can be hairy mother fuckers and still be considered sexy as hell.

Women in this country (and others), on the other hand, are subjected to various forms of hair removal: shaving, plucking, waxing, laser removal, lotions, creams, etc.

We all want to be sexy for our partners. But since when does sexy = hairless?

I'm Italian, aight...we have dark, coarse, thick hair, and if you try to make it go away, it gets very angry at you and tries to take over.

Case in point: I have tried shaving AND waxing AND lotions/creams on my legs, bikini line, upper lip, underarm, you name it. All that has done is force me to keep my face in a mirror every other day to check for stray hairs that are trying to stage a coup on my newfound smooth skin.

It's annoying as fuck, quite frankly.

So let's go down the list of each option and their pros and cons, shall we?

Shaving: Most women must shave at a minimum of every other day to maintain the smooth feeling. It has to be done with a water source and some kind of lathering agent, whether soap or shave gel/cream. You need to carry a razor with you whenever you go on vacation so as not to anger the leg hair. It's a pain in the ass.

Waxing: Ow, mother fucker. Ow. If you try to do this yourself, you not only need wax and strips to use, but you also need someone to stick their arm in your mouth so you can chew it the fuck off. If you have it professionally done, they provide the wax and strips and if you're lucky, you can chew THEIR arm off when they're done.

Plucking: Tweezers are the devil's tool. I can make myself look like a clown and bleed all within a 30 second time period. Sometimes you aim for one hair and you get three. Other times you keep aiming for the same hair for an hour and the little bastard doesn't cooperate.

Laser removal: I've not done this one but I've seen it done and the person being treated likened it to having someone stab you over and over again with a teeny tiny hot poker. Wtf?

Lotions/creams: Depending on the brand you buy and the type you use, this doesn't have to be a painful process. You put the lotion on (I like either the newer Nair formulations or Sally Hansen), wait the allotted time, and then wipe off the lotion and the hair that used to be underneath. The only problem with this is that the allotted time is proportional to the type of hair you have on your body. And as I said before, coarse, dark, thick hair is what I was "blessed" with. So my time is always at the high end of the range they give in the directions.

That means that for about 15 minutes, I have to sit around like Santa Claus with a white mustache and sometimes white chin (depending on how rebellious the chin fuzz is at that time). I can't answer the doorbell if it rings and I can't pick up the phone for fear that I'll get that gunk on my touchscreen. Plus if I were living with someone, how embarrassing would it be to have to lock myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes with the lotion and a book to wait it out. 

Not to mention that if you use it on your legs, you use so much lotion that you have to buy several at one time and then you are poor and you have to live in the box that the lotion came in.

So I'd love to know what you all use to make yourselves smooth so that you can get naked and feel like you're on a magazine cover. :o)

Exqueef me? What did you say?

Queefing is also known as "vaginal flatulence." It is the expulsion of air from the vagina either from sex or other exercises. When air is forced into the vagina of a pregnant woman, it can cause an air embolism which can cause brain damage or even death for both the woman and her child(ren). Therefore, it's not really a laughing matter.

Although if you've ever been doing the nasty, then you know the problem is that it sounds like your hoo-hoo crapped itself.

This can be particularly embarrassing if you are engaging in a sexual encounter with someone for the first time. It can also be equally blush-inducing if you are with someone that you've partnered with for years.

Women are supposed to poop rainbows and fart daisies, right? Is it possible to prevent your cunt trumpet from making music?

The best way to lessen your changes of having a crotch toot is to change positions often. As I'm sure most of you do NOT want him to stop pounding away like the end of the world is approaching, switch it up a bit! Get sporked (spooned on your side from behind - I totally just made that up), ride him and save a horse, or have him bend you over the nearest stationary object like the wanton hussy you want to be.

By switching positions throughout your sexual escapades, you are forcing any air inside to move around and it will hopefully leave your body in small poofs instead of one giant POOF.

Your guy can also help with this by not completely extracting his cock from you while he thrusts. Leaving the tip slightly inside the vagina while he penetrates can limit the amount of air that is introduced.

Do keep in mind, however, that if the woofle tweet has a smell to it, you should see a doctor ASAP. It may be a sign of an infection or other underlying problem.

So, ladies. I'd love to hear your queef stories. Come on, you know you have them. Spill!

Chivalry SHOULD be dead.

Chivalry is always discussed as being something women look for in a man. Someone to hold open a door or lay down a jacket in case of a rogue puddle that cannot otherwise be crossed.

My friend Whitley recommended this article to me and it makes some excellent points. It discusses chivalry and how it puts the protection of the woman's honor onto any man associated with her. If she acts in an honorable way, he is honored. If she does not, he is shamed.

It causes an unnecessary internalization of a woman's true thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, loves, and hates, all because she must act in a way that will bring nothing but honor upon her man.

The specific details of the article won't be discussed here, but I do recommend that you give it a read, as it discusses several interesting cases of misogyny (the hatred and demoralizing of women).

What I would like to talk about is the way that our society allows women (and let's be fair, in today's day and age, men too) to be debased and degraded when she embraces a more sexual lifestyle.

Traditionally, men were perfectly happy laying with a woman of less-than-stellar connections as long as they found a virgin to make their wife. The very society we branched off from to make our own country was founded on a patriarchal cultural structure. Woman, however, were branded whores if they were found out to have engaged in sexual congress of any kind before their wedding day.

Now, in 2010, as much as we tout equally for women and sexual liberation, a woman who is considered "loose" is still treated with disrespect from both men and women alike. Men are, once again, glad to engage a loose woman in sexual exploits as long as no one finds out and they can take home a "good girl" to meet Mom.

Women are guilty of similar transgressions. We are a catty kind, we women. If we find out a woman has been sexually promiscuous, even if she has been safe and responsible about her activities, we will immediately brand her a "slut" and gossip behind her back. As Tina Fey's character said in Mean Girls, "There seems to be some girl-on-girl crime here."

We argue and fight over some of the very men who make us feel inferior in the first place.

We allow a society largely based on a religion where women are not allowed to hold a higher position than a man to dictate rules of chastity and sanctity.

We give up control of our bodies and minds so that we can feel secure in a relationship that may not be healthy for us anyway.

Chivalry is NOT something to strive for. Chivalry assumes that a woman cannot do or think or act of her own volition because she needs to defer to a man in those situations. It breeds misogyny of women because it assumes women are inferior to men.

Chivalry and kindness are two different things. Strive for kindness. Strive for respect. Strive for partnership.

What's so great about anal?

Can someone please tell me? I don't get it!

I've been gracious enough to allow an ex-bf (bf at the time) to go in the backdoor when I was on my period and feeling particularly generous. But I HONESTLY don't get what the allure is from a woman's point of view.

At first, it feels like your asshole is on fire and someone tried to kick you repeatedly to put it out.

Then it feels like you're taking a massive dump all over your bed or whatever surface you happen to be on.

I derived absolutely NO pleasure from it.

So are there any of my hOors out there who are also backdoor hOors? What do you see in it? How does it feel to you? I get why the guys would like it - it's tight as fuck (no pun intended).

But ladies?

G-spots are Awesome

Hello again ladies,

I've been paying so much attention to my little butterbean (clit) lately, that my poor G-spot was feeling left out. So last night, I suped up my magic wand (read: put a new battery in it) and went to town. It took all of about 3 minutes to get myself off because it had been so long...but it felt sooo good.

So I wanted to poll everyone and see what some of their favorite toys are, what the benefits of said toys are, links to the toys in case anyone wants to experiment, and anything they wish they could change about them.

I'll go first!

1) The Silver Bullet - Now this is the SILVER bullet...not the magic bullet...it will not mince up your naughty bits. It's a powerful little bugger for clit stimulation and I always have a spare handy. But it has a LOT of negatives that include: it's noisy, if you use it for longer than 20 mins you have to change the batteries (which is one of the many reasons I went rechargeable), and the wiring doesn't last more than a month before it starts blinking on and off and THAT is not as fun as it sounds. I want to KNOW I'm gonna get off...not just hope for the best.

2) The Gspot Vibe - Mmm.....this bad boy is awesome. It's water-resistant so you can take it in the tub with you. It's very powerful and not as noisy as the bullet, but you've got to take extra special care of the Gspot vibe in regards to cleaning because it's actually inserted into the vagina to stimulate the Gspot. A nice mild soap will do the trick, nothing harsh. Or you can buy a specially made toy cleaner but I find that it's not necessary to spend the money on something like that.

3) The Rabbit - This is the best of both worlds. The shaft stimulates the Gspot by rotation while being inserted, and the bunny ears stimulate the clit by vibration. The noise varies because there are many different types of Rabbits available on the market now and you can also buy versions that are compatible with strap-on harnesses so you can pleasure your girlfriend or wife if you want. Or if you're just into awesome group sex. That too. They can either have an extended end which enters you while the actual rabbit enters the other female, or you can get one with a blunt end that will still probably give you clit stimulation as you are pounding into someone else. :oD

So these are my top 3 go-to toys to get the list going. Please share your favorites so we can have a comprehensive list for our readers by our readers!

Thanks ladies and gent! ;o)