The following was her response:
Okay, as you may know by now, I have some heart problems that left me not only physically, but also mentally, fucked up.
Why is this important? Well because of my upbringing and this "limitation," it severely messed with my POV on guys, relationships, and above all sex.
I have never held a boy's hand, never been kissed (cuz being kissed by the boys during the "I dare you to kiss the ugliest girl here" ain't a kiss at all), never been in love or had a boyfriend. By the end of July, I, *takes a long deep breath,* I will be a 30 year-old virgin.
Now I don't say this a shameful thing anymore. This fandom (Twilight) has brought so many positive qualities into my life and also my sexual awakening. Thank you Bri for all your posts and even though I lurk, I do pay attention and bookmark some items, (Youporn and Redtube), I feel so behind. I have no one in RL (real life) except one married friend, now my "Twiwife", to talk to about all these subjects. The only reason was because she saw a lemon (fanfic sex scene) as my status on Facebook and wanted me to share. Yep, we see each other once every two weeks, and I at least have one sex topic to get her POV on. But as much as I love her, I still feel judged and pressured when I see her face as I talk, ya know?
I mean, MoTU and the Dom/Sub/Training series have opened my eyes to visualizing more than just my old, innocent want of missionary with my bed buddy. Now how can I research something when I have no clue where to begin? I have like 0.0000% knowledge because we know porn lies!
So here are some things I would like more info on or would like to see discussed on the blog:
2. Places to buy items online? Like what should be in my kit? I have heard you girls talk about the bullet, rabbit, and vamp. I went to a Passion Party and was sitting in the corner mute hoping the blush would not give me away. I was the first to hold items and tried to just nod and pass but that shit did not fly. FML.
3. Sex topics from fanfics.
4. What truths and myths were you told during your first sexually active years? What was left out that you would tell your daughters, nieces, or someone like me?
5. View on friends with benefits? Now I wanna be all romantic in theory and just wait for the right guy (not necessarily after I have two rings on my finger) but there are days when UoEM catches me off guard, or I need to write an essay and just the tension I feel after seeing some "romantic" porn helps clear my head and the essay just flows out of me. Weird I know.
6. Sexual performance differences with circumsized vs non.
7. Difference of sensations with and without condom.
8. The truth behind fanfic. I doubt everytime you have sex you both orgasm, much less at the same time or close to.
9. Porn for women- I mean most of it on those sites above are blowjobs and anal. Really?
I guess my main thing would be what to tell a girl who wants to be sexually confident before a *he* is even in the picture. I admit I was so frustrated, I went to the ob/gyn and was fucked by the duck, they popped my cherry. I felt emotionally messed up for the next couple of days, but I never regretted going to the doc to get my first checkup. I could start everything knowing I was okay before sex REALLY becomes a possibilty for me.
I doubt that when my guy is a part of my life he will be a virgin too and I would hate to be so sexually repressed or uninformed that I would have to take any lil thing he did as pleasurable and my only option. Does that make sense or have I just made myself out to be a prude romantic dumbass?
Anyways, I follow the website and hope it goes really well.
xoxo
Jessica (Visit her on Facebook HERE.)Hi there, Bri again. So there you have it. Anyone who wants to write a post on any of the above topics, please just let me know and then submit the topic to heyaskbri@gmail.com. Otherwise, I'll be systematically going through everything in the queue of submissions for blog posts.
You can also look forward to more by Maradith! She's currently writing a multi-orgasmic...I mean, multi-part blog post! ;o)
Posts
16 comments:
I have a few answers to some of your questions.
my thoughts on #5:
as long as both parties enter into friends with benz it can be a win. BUT and I say this loudly, IF one of you has feelings other than friendship and the other does NOT, it will end VERY badly. No more friends. Having sex the first time with a friend can eliminate some tension or nervousness. I am not opposed to that as long as you both agree. It can be a good way to learn without pressure.
#7: We have used condoms for birth control for 13 years. I gotta say I really miss the naked peen. There is just something about that skin touching you. It is like silk and so wonderful. That said, my hubs says he thinks he lasts longer with condoms. I still think sex is pretty awesome even after 13 years of condoms so I don't really think it is a deal breaker ya know? Plus you need to be protected so plan on condoms for at least 6 months after starting a sexual relationship.
#8:
Fanfic sex. Well I have always been amazed at the way the characters have sex and then 10 minutes later have sex again and then 20 minutes later have sex again. I can honestly say it has never happened for me in real life. HOWEVER someone I trust said she has experienced multiple trysts in one evening with the same partner so maybe I am just an amateur!
Very rarely do I not orgasm and to my knowledge my hubs does every time as well. At the same time? NEVER. At least not for us.
Now as far as being a virgin @30. Sheesh, don't worry. Don't you know that is coveted by most guys anyhow?? Plus, I find unless you are going to tell them, they wont even know. You can choose to keep it to yourself if you want to.
I was a virgin until I was 21, an anomaly for my time let me tell you! (a girl of the 80's~ sex, drugs and rock-n-roll!)
Hope some of these answers helped you!!
Thanks for answering her questions Billi! I agree with most everything you said. FwB can be good but ONLY if no romantic feelings are involved. You HAVE to be protected, so a minimum of 6 months using extra protection (condom) is a good thing.
And Fanfic sex...HAHAHA!!! It's only fantasy. But that's the great thing about fantasy - it allow us to make it whatever we want it to be.
As for being a virgin at 30, I'm sure you are not alone. Plus given the way you've grown up with the way you relate to men and sex in general, you want to be READY. The only way you're going to be ready is to have confidence with your own body. Which means....go exploring. The knowledge that the rest of us hOors have has come from experience, yes. But that didn't stop us from fumbling around like horny a-holes at one time or another to get the experience. So please don't let that stop you.
Studies show that something like 90% of people are worrying about what others think of them at any point in time. Which means that everyone else is probably worried what YOU are thinking about THEM while you are worried what THEY are thinking about YOU. The key to break the cycle? Stop worrying about what others think. I know, easier said than done...but not really if you continue to tell yourself that you are unique and that doesn't make you weird. It makes you special.
Also, Billi, a little tidbit...if you "prime" the hubs beforehand....maybe 45 minutes before with a little handjob action, he may be able to last longer for the main event. Just sayin ;o)
My turn to share answers!
Question #2: I buy all my stuff from Adam and Eve online! There are several other places, including Amazon.com where you can buy toys. As far as what you should have in your toy box, well you definitely need a vibrator! The problem is there are a million different kinds so you have to find one that YOU like best. Don't be afraid to experiment cause how else will you know what you like?
Question #4: I really had nothing to go by as far really knowing what to expect from sex other than what I had read in romance novels. FYI, sex is not like it is in romance novels! It left me kind of disappointed actually, and thinking maybe there was something wrong with me because sex wasn't as great as it was made out to be. It took me a lot of years to really find out what I liked and how to make the most of the sex I was having. My advice is don't be afraid to figure out what you like before you jump into sex. Don't leave it up to your partner or you'll end up disappointed.
Question #8: Sex is not like it is in fanfic. There's usually a lot more work involved! And, no, it's not as often, and not as perfect, and not many women can have multiple orgasms!
Question #9: Porn for women. Is there such a thing? Hmmmm... From what I've watched it's shot from a male perspective and not at all realistic. But maybe if you figured out one thing you are interested in (I like squirting videos! LOL) you could check out porn that focuses on just that. There is plenty of porn out there so find something you like!
So until you find the right person to share this experience with, take this time experimenting and getting confident with your body and your sexuality.
Awesome responses ladies!
I agree with everything that was written previously. I understand where you are coming from when you speak about the porn issue, but Maradith is right. You really have to find something you enjoy, and look for it. Personally, I enjoy vids of bj's, cum shots and 2 guys and one girl. There's plenty of videos out there, you just have to give it a shot. You'll never know if you like a certain thing unless you check it out! I just realized I enjoy Hentai as well, and I stayed clear of it for years! What was I thinking?
Anyway, hope this helps girl. And remember, EXPLORE, EXPLORE, EXPLORE! Nobody will know your body better than you do!
First of all, I think it's awesome she shared all of this. It's probably way more common than anyone knows because it takes HUGE balls to put yourself out there and ask these kinds of questions. I know a woman who was in her late 20's when she lost her virginity and went thru almost exactly the same insecurities and had alot of the same questions (without the fanfic stuff).
Here's my 2 cents...
4. I was NEVER talked to about sex by my parents. Other than "wait til you're married." - that's all well and good, and i think abstinance is great but i think the lack of openness influenced my sexual behavior ALOT.
5. friends with benefits - i agree with billi. it can be a great deal IF you get the right person and IF things don't go too far. honesty honesty honesty is the key to that kinda thing. personally, i've had some really successful FWB situations so it can definitely work out as long as you are completely sure you can deal with it.
8. fanfic sex - so hot but usually so unrealistic... but as Bri said, that's why it's there. we read fanfic to indulge... i think orgasms are much harder to reach for most women. i actually saw a show on TV the other day that said that it's almost impossible for a man and woman to orgasn together. it takes a man 7 1/2 minutes (on average) to reach orgasm, but it takes a woman 20 minutes!!! crazy... fanfic for me is like my porn... gives ya those great totally unrealistic fantasy images and scenes to think about during "nubbin rubbin" time (as Bri calls it I believe).
I wish I had more advice... but I agree with what people have said above... exploration is definitely the good way to go!
But I am so excited for this blog!!!
Thank you for being so open and sharing with us.
I'm only commenting on no.7 as either the ladies have answered as I would have, or I have no clue.
No.7
I can't say that I really notice a difference personally with how it feels although physiologically I feel more connected and intimate with him without. In saying that, if we have sex before we sleep I prefer him to use one 'cause if he doesn't I wake in the night and can feel his jizz in all my nooks and crannies.
I know hubby prefers without because he enjoys feeling the wetness.
__________________________________
I've been with hubby 17 years, I'm 35 now. We had an awesome sex life for the first year, and would have sex 6 or 7 times on a weekend day and at least once a night on weekdays. I'd orgasm most times.
Once we moved in together I lost interest and became dry and sex became very painful. I had various doctors look at my Beaver to see if I had problems. Was even told I'd have to have my vulva removed and allow it to regrow again, WTH???
The pain continued for about 3 years during this time we argued about the lack of sex and were seriously stressed out and there were many tears from him and me.
I was nervous about touching him incase he felt led on. I wouldn't let him touch me because I didn't want him to feel frustrated after. I just wanted to avoid the topic as much as possible so that we wouldn't row more. Catch 22.
I've no clue why, but one day I suggested he try with a condom. No pain whatsoever.
Over the next year or so we rediscovered each other and enjoyed foreplay in a way we hadn't before. We had always been too keen to get to the main event before.
I guess things slowed down and eventually we'd probably only have sex once or twice a month??? Until fanfic. Well hello labedo!!! I have never felt so confident, experimental or interested in my life.
Fanfic is great for tips, but is unrealistic. As far as cumming together - I could count the times on one hand. Also how come I never read how disgusting it feels to have lots of jizz in your knickers when you've had outside sex??
x x
Thanks girls for all the replies! Wow, y'all have been very informative. If it takes guts to admit your non sex life, it takes even more to talk about the current state.
Ok so I received a response via email and the sender-inner wants to remain anonymous so I'm going to post the very long comment in a few parts:
1. Websites
if the rest of the girls say those, them i'm inclined to agree bc my husband actually finds most of my porn for me. i guess he's just better at that than i am!
2. Places to buy items online? Like what should be in my kit?
i have a bunch of vibes & dildos bc i'm never sure what i'll be in the mood for. i use http://www.adameve.com/ & http://www.xandria.com/
from Adam & Eve, something like the Blue Dolphin, #9678, (bc it's waterproof & there's a reason so much ff happens in the shower!) or the Jelly Egg, #M648.
the best thing about jelly style is they warm up nicely but i would say no matter what you pick, you should get something on the smaller side for comfort & especially if you just want to get off. size really only matters for a pounding & even then sometimes it's too much.
i'm allergic to latex, so i like the other materials. just keep that in mind. rabbits & all that stuff get more pricey so those should wait until you decide what you really like. i personally don't have any that are nubbed or weird shapes, but that's my own taste. also bc i do tend to get friendly with my showerhead, i don't use a vibrator often. i have the dildos with the realistic styling & balls with the suction cup so i can put it where i want! ;]
oh! and be sure you get a toy cleaner too bc soap can break the toys down!
3. Sex topics from fanfics.
like what?
Part 2:
4. What truths and myths were you told during your first sexually active years? What was left out that you would tell your daughters, nieces, or someone like me?
until i got married, the only orgasms i had were self inflicted or accidental, so if a lot of your friends are saying they have the big 'o' all the time with different people, they're full of shit. no one is that lucky! i had been raped when i was nine so i was very promiscuous as a teen (i was trying to deal or some shit) but i wish i had known enough to try to relax & enjoy myself more. i was more worried about my body image than the moment. and honestly, if someone is having sex with you, they're fine with your body so you should be too. it was a long time before i felt comfortable in my own skin. now i know to say what i'm liking or not, or what i want him to try, and to ask as well. it's made a huge difference and now i am one of the lucky ones that can get an orgasm every time. never be with someone you feel like you can't talk to! and it may sound strange, but grab a mirror & check your shiz out. get to know her! oh & do keigel exercises to strengthen those muscles bc that's a move that comes in handy when he's hip deep! also there is a difference between internal (g-spot) & external (clitoral) orgasms. some women have both, some neither, & some get one & never the other. both are awesome & which i prefer depends on which i am having at the moment. there's no right or wrong way. it's what feels good to you. and guys think it's crazy, but women don't need to orgasm to be satisfied - though it is a bonus!
5. View on friends with benefits?
if you want your first to be with a special someone, then you should wait. if you want to experience it with someone you trust, a friend can be the way to go - but like someone else commented, NEVER be with a friend if one person feels more than the other bc it will only end badly. & depending on how comfortable you are together, check their shit out too. maybe let them have a gander if they never have. so many people only ever fuck it & have no clue what it really looks like close up. but FWB it can be a good thing. probably better than all my one night stands!
Part 3:
6. Sexual performance differences with circumsized vs non.
i have not noticed a difference during intercourse (or oral) but i have been with more endowed non-c guys so i can't say the same would be true for a smaller penis. i have heard complaints about cleanliness with nons, but like i said, i didn't ever notice a problem. & you should always feel like you can tell a guy to wash it if you think he's been sweating in his jeans commando all day!! i prefer circumsized bc i think they are prettier. lol
7. Difference of sensations with and without condom.
thinner the better when condoms are concerned - and they should be - bc they do limit a little feeling for both parties but not too much if you're doing those keigels!! getting a sampler pack online is a good idea!
8. The truth behind fanfic. I doubt everytime you have sex you both orgasm, much less at the same time or close to.
after 20 years of marriage, we pretty much have our shit down to a science but even then, we rarely cum together. it's very difficult to coordinate!! i get really distracted & can't focus on anything else but trying not to shove him off me when it gets to be too much & accidentally hurting one of us! it's nice when it does happen, but also awesome when it's not together bc it's a pretty cool show to watch! oh - and back to back is nice in theory, but a really great orgasm can be exhausting so sometimes you're thinking 'i am so doing this all night!!' & then after you are like 'i cannot feel my legs'. and i don't think a guy that just got off is going to bitch too much that he only had sex once, when he made a girl unable to walk! also i'm very power hungry so i like to be able to focus on what i'm doing to him so taking turns is just fine! when i was dating, never happened at the same time.
Part 4:
9. Porn for women- I mean most of it on those sites above are blowjobs and anal. Really?
that really is a matter of personal preferences. browsing & seeing what pictures jump out at you is the only way you can really decide what works for you. for some girls, even straight, it's lesbian action bc it's what you have & they know what to do with it. some like gay men bc they'd rather see a screen full of cocks than girls. some like group bc they'd never do that & taboo can be hot. the only way to know what works is to watch or browse. there's nothing wrong with learning what you like. and it may change from one day to the next. & that's cool too! no one eats the same thing for dinner every night! ;]
one of the best things about ultimately being in a sexual relationship is being able to share your desires and fantasies with another person! i hope this helped some!
Another take on the porn for women--- I realized the other night as I was reading a BDB book, that I prefer to read about sex than watch it. Reading fanfic that has lots of lemons in it is seriously hotter to me that plugging in a porno. Maybe because a lot of the fanfics are written by women and they know what women like and want to hear. And my imagination is probably a lot more wild than anything a dude making a porno could come up with!
That's very true Maradith. Many more women in comparison to men are literary-minded when it comes to sex. You're right. Fanfiction does so well because it's written for women by women for the most part. Men in the fandom (Twi especially) are rare.
Hi Jess, my turn! *hugs*
Okay #2: What to buy. Well, since I just bought myself my first toy last year (at age 31, I'll have you know), I'm still a bit of a sex toy virgin myself. But I LOVE my pink dildo/vibrator I got from Passion Parties. It's pretty basic, but it definitely heats things up - with or without my husband. ;-)
3. Sex topics from fanfics. - Believe it or not, fanfic has definitely helped me when it comes to performing in the bedroom. I learned more about giving an awesome blowjob from reading "The Office" than I ever did by watching porn. Seriously. Just ask my hubs, hehe!
4. What truths and myths were you told during your first sexually active years? What was left out that you would tell your daughters, nieces, or someone like me? - I learned that without trust, sex sucks. Really really. Love always makes it better - at least for me.
5. View on friends with benefits? - I've done it and I say, sometimes you've just gotta scratch that itch. :-) No harm done if you're both on the same wavelength.
7. Difference of sensations with and without condom. - HUGE difference. But there's a lot of trust there, so be sure that you're with someone that you can trust and that you truly want to be with. In case you get pregnant, like I did. (We were engaged at the time, but still. The chance is always there.)
8. The truth behind fanfic. I doubt everytime you have sex you both orgasm, much less at the same time or close to. - Unlike fanfic, most guys can't go again right away - or at all. Sometimes fic gets it right - like coming together, because this does happen for my hubs and me. But I know from talking to RL friends that I'm one lucky girl, because I come A LOT. I guess my hubs is lucky too, lol. But I don't need clitoral stimulation to come all the time. Sure, it's fab, but I don't need it every time.
I hope this helped, bb!! Love ya!
I have to agree with Maradith- Fan Fic is my Porn. I have a very active imagination..and when I read it, it becomes real! So yeah prefer it to video porn..but sometimes its okay too! As Anomymous said...everyone has the thing that attracts them!
Post a Comment